Written to Vivian Dixon Kilpatrick on March 4th, 2009.
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Dear Granny,
I can't stop seeing your face when I last saw you. Your eyes were so proud, so grateful, so sad, so peaceful. It's hard to believe I thought nothing of it, nothing more than I usually do. Filled with love, and dependability. So respectful and caring. I would see you again I was sure. I would make time to come by and help you out, I knew for sure. There would be some other time we could sit in your apartment, munching away on spring rolls and other Chinese food. Without a doubt, I would bring Zeno by, your great grand kitten, so you could show you how much she'd grown. But right then, I had to get to work. You had to go conquer your last chemo.
That following week I didn't do a thing I promised you with my eyes in that last moment. I hadn't stopped by, hadn't called though there were plenty of times I thought to. Then I got the call that you were in the hospital. But it wasn't like the other times. This time it was final. There would be no more hospital visits after that day. I sent my best friend a text, I went to pick him up, went to my mom's after calling her 20+ times. I tried so hard to wake her up. Believe me, I tried the best I could but you know how her schedule's off granny. Mommy never was a morning person. More than myself and him, I knew mommy had to be there. But I couldn't wait forever. I called her as much as I could until I got to the hospital. I only called four times after. Three nearer, and one after....
The important thing is that I got there. The woman laying there looked like you Granny, but she wasn't. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't greeting me. She wasn't teaching a nurse how to drop it like its hot. The woman there was in pain. Her body shook with it. This was supposed to be you, but I knew it wasn't. You wouldn't let anyone do a thing for you unless you needed them to. Surely you wouldn't have some machine breathe for you.
It was hours more, such long, short hours spent in that room with more people coming in waiting, crying, praying, chatting. I tried to keep a good face for those who needed it more than me. I was not the youngest daughter who took the more responsibility in tending to her mothers wishes roaming quietly around the room. I was not the young grandson who took care of your every need as best as he could, sitting by himself, near you, where his eyes could only land on you. I was the granddaughter sitting in place of my own mother, trying to fill both shoes, trying to be there for others, and still be strong for my friend. At some point I stopped being selfish and started being proud. I was Vivians Granddaughter.
The feeling didn't last long though, due to reality eating away at my defensive shield. I was sad, I had some tears, but I stood strong. Weither it was a foolish thing to do or not, it was true. I remained strong for whoever needed it, for your children, for your childrens children, for Ze, for myself. Broken, but strong. God, if I could have one thing of my grandma, please grant me her strength.
Soon it was time. We couldn't stand to see you to be in such pain. The respirator came out. We waited to see if you would breathe on your own. You did. You did for about 13 seconds. Then the woman laid still, so still. Then people started crying around her. All of us, surrounding the hospital bed. I held my breathe, but shed no tear. That woman wasn't you.
Where were you? Where was my Granny? I didn't know, I didn't know where my foundation was. I didn't know where you were. You weren't in that body. It hurt. It still hurts. I may not have always seen you, but I knew where you were. I knew who I could turn to, talk to, confide in, share with, get help from, get advice from. I knew who kept me going, who gave me words of wisdom through all of my hard times, who saw the best in me and urged me to find the same view. But now....
Mommy sung the right song at the wake for you. "In Times Like These." She's so strong, all of your children are, you most certainly were. I pray to God that I can even have an ounce of your wit, your humor, compassion, love, honesty, talent, and smarts.
In times like these you need a Savior
In times like these you need an anchor;
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!
This Rock is Jesus, Yes, He's the One;
This Rock is Jesus, the only One!
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!
I cried the hardest that night, at that time. Through her voice, I could hear your own. You were not afraid to be the best you could be, so unafraid to shine your brightest. So quick to help others do the same for themselves. You were my rock, Granny. You've taught me so much. So many others the same lessons. Now, I have to find a new foundation, slowly but surely. Perhaps, a never wavering foundation. It was time you got your reward.
I just wanted to let you know I got your answer to my call that day of the 12th. It took a while, but I know your answer. You are in my heart. You always were, and now you always will be. I hope you liked the Valentines card we got you. Hope you could make out my chicken scratch good enough. I love you so, so much. This denial of your death I'm feeling is not a lie. You are alive. You live though all the lives you have touched. You reside here in my heart. Thank you so much for absolutely everything.
Yours always, past forever.
Kia
---------------------------
Dear Granny,
I can't stop seeing your face when I last saw you. Your eyes were so proud, so grateful, so sad, so peaceful. It's hard to believe I thought nothing of it, nothing more than I usually do. Filled with love, and dependability. So respectful and caring. I would see you again I was sure. I would make time to come by and help you out, I knew for sure. There would be some other time we could sit in your apartment, munching away on spring rolls and other Chinese food. Without a doubt, I would bring Zeno by, your great grand kitten, so you could show you how much she'd grown. But right then, I had to get to work. You had to go conquer your last chemo.
That following week I didn't do a thing I promised you with my eyes in that last moment. I hadn't stopped by, hadn't called though there were plenty of times I thought to. Then I got the call that you were in the hospital. But it wasn't like the other times. This time it was final. There would be no more hospital visits after that day. I sent my best friend a text, I went to pick him up, went to my mom's after calling her 20+ times. I tried so hard to wake her up. Believe me, I tried the best I could but you know how her schedule's off granny. Mommy never was a morning person. More than myself and him, I knew mommy had to be there. But I couldn't wait forever. I called her as much as I could until I got to the hospital. I only called four times after. Three nearer, and one after....
The important thing is that I got there. The woman laying there looked like you Granny, but she wasn't. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't greeting me. She wasn't teaching a nurse how to drop it like its hot. The woman there was in pain. Her body shook with it. This was supposed to be you, but I knew it wasn't. You wouldn't let anyone do a thing for you unless you needed them to. Surely you wouldn't have some machine breathe for you.
It was hours more, such long, short hours spent in that room with more people coming in waiting, crying, praying, chatting. I tried to keep a good face for those who needed it more than me. I was not the youngest daughter who took the more responsibility in tending to her mothers wishes roaming quietly around the room. I was not the young grandson who took care of your every need as best as he could, sitting by himself, near you, where his eyes could only land on you. I was the granddaughter sitting in place of my own mother, trying to fill both shoes, trying to be there for others, and still be strong for my friend. At some point I stopped being selfish and started being proud. I was Vivians Granddaughter.
The feeling didn't last long though, due to reality eating away at my defensive shield. I was sad, I had some tears, but I stood strong. Weither it was a foolish thing to do or not, it was true. I remained strong for whoever needed it, for your children, for your childrens children, for Ze, for myself. Broken, but strong. God, if I could have one thing of my grandma, please grant me her strength.
Soon it was time. We couldn't stand to see you to be in such pain. The respirator came out. We waited to see if you would breathe on your own. You did. You did for about 13 seconds. Then the woman laid still, so still. Then people started crying around her. All of us, surrounding the hospital bed. I held my breathe, but shed no tear. That woman wasn't you.
Where were you? Where was my Granny? I didn't know, I didn't know where my foundation was. I didn't know where you were. You weren't in that body. It hurt. It still hurts. I may not have always seen you, but I knew where you were. I knew who I could turn to, talk to, confide in, share with, get help from, get advice from. I knew who kept me going, who gave me words of wisdom through all of my hard times, who saw the best in me and urged me to find the same view. But now....
Mommy sung the right song at the wake for you. "In Times Like These." She's so strong, all of your children are, you most certainly were. I pray to God that I can even have an ounce of your wit, your humor, compassion, love, honesty, talent, and smarts.
In times like these you need a Savior
In times like these you need an anchor;
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!
This Rock is Jesus, Yes, He's the One;
This Rock is Jesus, the only One!
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!
I cried the hardest that night, at that time. Through her voice, I could hear your own. You were not afraid to be the best you could be, so unafraid to shine your brightest. So quick to help others do the same for themselves. You were my rock, Granny. You've taught me so much. So many others the same lessons. Now, I have to find a new foundation, slowly but surely. Perhaps, a never wavering foundation. It was time you got your reward.
I just wanted to let you know I got your answer to my call that day of the 12th. It took a while, but I know your answer. You are in my heart. You always were, and now you always will be. I hope you liked the Valentines card we got you. Hope you could make out my chicken scratch good enough. I love you so, so much. This denial of your death I'm feeling is not a lie. You are alive. You live though all the lives you have touched. You reside here in my heart. Thank you so much for absolutely everything.
Yours always, past forever.
Kia
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