Project Hail Mary

So, I wrote that post yesterday before knowing what movie I would take my mom to see on the 31st. I figured Project Hail Mary would be good because we like sci fi movies. I didn't expect the main characters name to be Grace. The fact that he was in space.... yeah. Certainly solidified the idea in my mind.

It's easily my most favorite movie, right next to Disney's Treasure Planet. I love movies about self discovery. This film was about communication, connection, coming together... and what humanity means. Perhaps it's not just a human trait to be kind and helpful... maybe it is. Humans have become the apex being because we learned to work together and have empathy... right? Something to look into. REGARDLESS.... he and an "alien" found connection. They found communion, meaning, and friendship. 

I mean, that's my personal perspective. Others can perceive different things. Either way, I really loved it. I'm looking forward to watch it again and again. I hope people can watch it more, and start thinking how we could truly give Grace and Space to ourselves and others.  

What I'd love to see? More people watching the movie, or reading the book. Even if not, just making areas where Grace and Space can be granted for others. Even if we don't know how to fix our problems, we could gather and be ready to find solutions. Or at least nurture peace.

Grace and Space

I was not expecting to have access to this blog... yet here I am. My wildest dream was just a click away. I could go on, but perhaps another time. This space lives... I received that message from my younger self. It's the right time.

Everything I ever needed....

Grace and Space

I will exude it

Time and time again.

Thank you.

May We Connect?

Past, future and present?

Me, Myself, and I?

Yes.

A song for my love

I couldn't find a song that explains how I feel, so I made one. This was inspired by, and is just for you. Keep it up, Darling.

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You got a mean well smile,
Your heart on your sleeve.
So many dreams to chase It's overwhelming!
For some that's true, but not you.
If everyone looked on
they'd see a lie.
A predisposed composure for all eyes.
Could someone on Earth feel what's real?

There are doubts, attacks, remembrance
of all the darkest times. Paid recompense falls underway to pain...
Hear me say

Keep It Up, Keep It Up, Darling!
See the light, shining bright - Reach for it!
Don't you let me down. Don't you dare let go.
Keep it Up, Keep It Up, Darling!
Be the light through the night helping guide others
As you chase your dreams.... for me.

 You got a carefree laugh that helps testify
That you will find the joy all through this life
-Even though you may fall.
What you share you give whole-heartedly.
With every note you move to your own beat.
It's something that time can't define!

Still yet time is just a borrowed toy.
With every game we play seems to make joy just fade away to gray...
-Find new paint.

Keep It Up, Keep It Up Darling!
You are the shining knight by my side.
Don't you dare loose now! We will win somehow.
Keep It Up! Keep It Up Darling.
You will fall. In the end you will be standing
Tall enough for all to see.

There are days it's hard to admire how brightly you can shine.
There is pain from knowing that that light sometimes will fade.
There are days when fear seems to be the only thing inside.
In there end there's only one thing that remains the same.

(hear me say)

Keep It Up, Keep It Up Darling!
You are the shining knight by my side.
You will win somehow. Don't you dare loose now!
Keep It Up! Keep It Up Darling.
You will fall. In the end you will be standing
Tall enough for all to see.

Keep It Up, Keep It Up, Darling!
See the light, shining bright - Reach for it!
Don't you let me down. Don't you dare let go.
Keep it Up, Keep It Up, Darling!
Be the light through the night helping guide others
As you chase your dreams.... Fly Free!

A Note to the Ladies, 4/11/13

I will never be a better you.

You will never be a better me.

I will never be you, nor you me.

So let's live on and be happy.

The True Meaning for Words, 4/10/13

Once upon a time, I wrote my thoughts down regarding words. Somehow, it had problems posting and got deleted. It was all for a reason I thought, so I left it as is. Sometimes little tidbits of information you keep to yourself in order to grasp it fully, or for your own nourishment. Ultimately it helps better us (or is intended to). I realize I'm the type of person that likes to let things sink in over time, that likes to nurture a sentiment to it's developed before sharing it with others, then make proper adjustments of it.

Words are in the power of the beholder. Be it ultimately right or wrong, right now it is what builds us up or breaks us down. They're stones. Words are stones. Stones can be used to build a house, be altered to make a useful tool, sharpened for weapons of defense, or hurt like a mo-fo. It doesn't 100% matter if a person throws stones in order to provide a useful source of material or intentionally used to hurt. I mean, yes it does so you know how to interact with the person, but once they give up their words - their stones, their resources - it is up to you to decide how it should be used.

This reminds me of why I went back to church in the first place. This reminds me of why I was open to so many philosophies and in hearing different religions. This is why I have been so open, neutral, and focused on feeling things out. For power. All for power to fortify myself so I can make a difference in this world. More importantly, the next. Whatever you may call "next." Now... things are different. There is a conscious change I am making... an acceleration I'm creating. I am more mindful of the stones written or given to me. More analytical,  more cautious. I will pick through them slowly. Not use as many as I did before, but still keep a storage of them for myself. The main reason? I'm entering a time where the foundation for the future is being built. Where I can actually see things happening that take "growing up in life" to a new level. I do not go half hearted on this matter. I'm not just building a future for myself anymore.

I can't ask for forgiveness for something I haven't committed, however it's a good way point to mark where I'm coming from if i seem defiant  hardheaded, or overtly concerned and questioning Everything. I am not doing so to try and unfurl a said faith. I am not trying to find the holes in a philosophy. I am asking the questions that come to my head and heart so that I can have enough ammunition to down my own defenses. The best way to describe how I view my inner workings is much like a city:  It takes many days to build, mere moments to destroy, and even longer to clear the debris, and more time to make the land fertile enough to grow on, and sturdy enough to build on again.

What frustrates me is

perhaps I'm just used to running before I  can walk. I'm fearful of loosing this unadulterated sense of peace. Like jumping into a pool before you know how to swim, or running off into a forest with no marked paths. I love getting lost in memories, sinking in emotion, engrossing myself in a problem to be solved...

...However I no longer have the time to spend trying to find my way back, trying solve a complex problem on my own, wishing, praying, hoping for instinct to kick in so that i don't actually drown. I am deciding this. Because there will be a time where someone who depends on me is going to have questions, doubts, and insecurities. I do not want to be a bystander, though I can not always make him or her follow me. I will always lead by example, but  I guess I can work on being easier to follow.

Once I learn new things, once I have these weapons.... once I understand the truth and feel a new burden.... I will not be the same. or will I? Maybe it's just how I view The Word. It is written, I believe it's power, but there is more to it. How can words measure ALL of His omnipotence. Every ounce of His essence? How do you describe such capabilities and powers never seen or experienced before? Yes, believe as if you have seen, but How do you prepare yourself for actually experiencing an event? It will never be enough. It will never be enough Just to go on just words. You can not travel in this world by just reading about new places. However, you can not get the most of those places without reading up on it.

Study, Read, Live... it's a progression I'm willing to follow.

A letter to Myself, 4/4/13

Dear Self,

I got a bone to pick with you. Maybe I'd just prefer to lay it all out for the time being. Main point is you confuse me. And I like it. I know you can laugh, cry, cheer, intimidate, lead, and follow all within the span of 3 minutes and earnestly mean each bit of it. You search, hem and haw, are restless.... but no one can be a better me than you.

I really wish you knew how much I love you.  How that trail of crazy you leave, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wish you could see the light I feel from you. I wish you knew the impact you have on the world. The way I see you is so different than you see yourself, so different from how others see you, so different from how you let others see you. I know you are going through a lot. I understand that the past is not easily addressed, the present so full of new, heart twisting things, and the future in a foggy haze. However there is one request I have for you...

Please do not change.

Not for anyone. Not even for me. Stop altering yourself to fit what you think would best suit others. You do not have to stop living for others, but it would be nice if you started living for me. Live for Yourself. No matter how the future will look, I will always be rooting for you. It's you and me amongst a host of worlds. Let's live this to the fullest. Regardless of what we perceive to be warnings.

Hugs and Love,
Me

BTW --
I might be the only one in your life forever. I'll learn how to share if you take me up on my request.

Written

We allow so many things to happen to ourselves when we know it is not right, because we think we deserve it. We believe in it so much that it becomes engrained in us, and we do them to others. We try to run from it that it becomes a part of our shadow, instead of turning it inside out and letting it be a testimony for how things can be made different. Usually, that is how it goes with a few things in life. Domestic violence, molestation, drug addiction, alcohol abuse... things we see or experience from the moment we're born -sometimes even before we're born. We know this should not happen, yet it affects more people day by day. We identify it, understand the reasons things exist, however continue to do things which damage ourselves mentally or physically, or are unable to stop ourselves without the help of some greater force than our mind can conceive -positive or negative. It doesn't change that something in us that makes us stop what has happened to us from happening to others. not saying it is our own hands, but could be by the hands of others.

There is NO ONE who is perfect, yet we continue to judge and criticize what we see as flaws in other people. We spend so much time jumping to conclusions about others, being angry at the world for one reason or another, instead of facing what /really/ is impacting our lives: Ourselves. We get so wrapped up in reliving the bad times that we forget about the good things that are happening. However it's also possible to be so wrapped up in a world made of paper flowers to stop the bad things from happening to someone else. Shame of event happening, fear of judgement from peers, rejection from loved ones... so many things can be the reason for this. So people continue on because if it happened, it must be how it usual is. It becomes socially Expected that a partner in a relationship is beating on the love of their life with words or with fists; it becomes Expected that about 1 in 7 people have been sexually abused as a child, Expected that the majority of the people we know are slaves to the debuts they collect, Expected that someone in the family battles an addiction to food, smoking, alcohol, or any other drug addiction.... When someone tries to help us, we run away, don't wanna hear it, don't want to talk it out, turn the finger around and point it at the person helping... I know I'VE done it. I may not agree with what other people have to say, but I still appreciate those who genuinely try to help without hatred or judgement. Those who do not try to force anything down my throat, or assume I am me due to XYZ happening in my life.

“Even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.”

However there aren't many people who are genuine to strangers in the world any more. Or heck, maybe they are and I have my own defenses up to take it as something else. I've gotten better, but I'm a work in progress.

What stops us from aiming high is that we believe we don't deserve it. That no one else around me has it, so how could I possibly aspire to achieve it? To be that? I want to stand up for myself, but I've never seen anyone else do so for themselves. I've never seen someone make changes, so how could I?

Do you /have/ to see it in order to make it be? Do you have to see someone, hear someone, do or say something, in order for it to happen? And once you see or hear of something, must it always happen? Make your world as you want it.

...and yet I'm here. Writing things when I do not yet have the ability to speak them coherently. If it wasn't for the fact that I write this for myself to look back on and learn from, I would say I'm a hypocrite in that aspect. Not something to be proud of, and likely pointing out my own flaws to rid the satisfaction anyone else might have at calling it out first. But I am glad I am becoming aware of my faults and trying to find out a way to make it better. For right now I will be as I remain. Commenting on my thoughts caused by words that belong to no single individual. I am not the hero of your story. I have no intention of ever being so. For an opportunity to get a handful of my thoughts written somewhere is a part of my legacy.

At the end of all this, I just want you to know that you can choose who you are today. Who you were yesterday does not dictate who you are tomorrow. Know that no one can be a better you than yourself. Relish that fact that You Are Amazing. Strive to rise above your strife in life.
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Written 1/23/12