Once upon a time, I wrote my thoughts down regarding words. Somehow, it
had problems posting and got deleted. It was all for a reason I thought,
so I left it as is. Sometimes little tidbits of information you keep to
yourself in order to grasp it fully, or for your own nourishment.
Ultimately it helps better us (or is intended to). I realize I'm the
type of person that likes to let things sink in over time, that likes
to nurture a sentiment to it's developed before sharing it with others,
then make proper adjustments of it.
Words are in the power of
the beholder. Be it ultimately right or wrong, right now it is what
builds us up or breaks us down. They're stones. Words are stones. Stones
can be used to build a house, be altered to make a useful tool,
sharpened for weapons of defense, or hurt like a mo-fo. It doesn't 100%
matter if a person throws stones in order to provide a useful source of
material or intentionally used to hurt. I mean, yes it does so you know
how to interact with the person, but once they give up their words -
their stones, their resources - it is up to you to decide how it should be used.
This
reminds me of why I went back to church in the first place. This
reminds me of why I was open to so many philosophies and in hearing
different religions. This is why I have been so open, neutral, and
focused on feeling things out. For power. All for power to fortify
myself so I can make a difference in this world. More importantly, the
next. Whatever you may call "next." Now... things are different. There
is a conscious change I am making... an acceleration I'm creating. I am
more mindful of the stones written or given to me. More analytical,
more cautious. I will pick through them slowly. Not use as many as I did
before, but still keep a storage of them for myself. The main reason?
I'm entering a time where the foundation for the future is being built.
Where I can actually see things happening that take "growing up in life"
to a new level. I do not go half hearted on this matter. I'm not just
building a future for myself anymore.
I can't ask for
forgiveness for something I haven't committed, however it's a good way
point to mark where I'm coming from if i seem defiant hardheaded, or
overtly concerned and questioning Everything. I am not doing so to try
and unfurl a said faith. I am not trying to find the holes in a
philosophy. I am asking the questions that come to my head and heart so
that I can have enough ammunition to down my own defenses. The best way
to describe how I view my inner workings is much like a city: It takes
many days to build, mere moments to destroy, and even longer to clear
the debris, and more time to make the land fertile enough to grow on,
and sturdy enough to build on again.
What frustrates me is
perhaps
I'm just used to running before I can walk. I'm fearful of loosing
this unadulterated sense of peace. Like jumping into a pool before you
know how to swim, or running off into a forest with no marked paths. I
love getting lost in memories, sinking in emotion, engrossing myself in a
problem to be solved...
...However I no longer have the time to
spend trying to find my way back, trying solve a complex problem on my
own, wishing, praying, hoping for instinct to kick in so that i don't
actually drown. I am deciding this. Because there will be a time where
someone who depends on me is going to have questions, doubts, and
insecurities. I do not want to be a bystander, though I can not always
make him or her follow me. I will always lead by example, but I guess I
can work on being easier to follow.
Once I learn new things,
once I have these weapons.... once I understand the truth and feel a new
burden.... I will not be the same. or will I? Maybe it's just how I
view The Word. It is written, I believe it's power, but there is more to
it. How can words measure ALL of His omnipotence. Every ounce of His
essence? How do you describe such capabilities and powers never seen or
experienced before? Yes, believe as if you have seen, but How do you
prepare yourself for actually experiencing an event? It will never be
enough. It will never be enough Just to go on just words. You can not
travel in this world by just reading about new places. However, you can
not get the most of those places without reading up on it.
Study, Read, Live... it's a progression I'm willing to follow.
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